Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
