She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
