one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
