There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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