dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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