if i can run in heels then i can drive
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
