What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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