life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
