All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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