Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
