I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
