Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
