I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
