Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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