you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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