I hate all girls vehemently.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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