I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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