Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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