wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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