went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
vagina is talking i cant
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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