The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
