Even the bartender felt bad for me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
