Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
