Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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