You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
