Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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