P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
