By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
