Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
