I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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