my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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