the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
