Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
