I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
