If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
