wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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