For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
