just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
