I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
