I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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