I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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