How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
