I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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