my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
