Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
its not stalking. its research.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
as a side note pls kill me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
