Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
