Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
