why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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