god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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