Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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