he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
