No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
